Difficult Decisions

At the beginning of the semester I wrote about my struggle over vocation. Being over half way through the semester, I've had a lot to think about. My classes have continued to hone my thinking, professors have pushed me to new levels, and planning out this summer's and next year's church placements have helped put my education into a broader perspective. I feel more comfortable being at Princeton, more confident that this is where I'm supposed to be, reassured that this is where God wants me to be. But the vocation question still remains. If anything, discerning my call has become even more complicated than it was at the beginning of the semester now that I have more options to consider other than pastoral ministry and academic teaching.

Over the past couple weeks I have realized that I should be in a position where I can wrestle through these decisions more concretely. Working in the Church for the next year is one step in that direction, but it's only a step. I need to open up opportunities for conversation, which is more difficult to do when I am not engaged in processes that are designed to open the doorways for conversation.

For this reason, I've made two decisions, both of which have been difficult to come to but will, I think, enable me to make a better, well-informed decision about my vocation. This summer after I finish my finals, I am going to (re)start the ordination of process. Even though I am still unsure that I am being called to pastoral ministry, I need to take advantage of the process that the Presbyterian church has set up. I hope that being in the process will open up more opportunities to have conversations about vocation.

The other decision I've made is not yet set in stone, but will probably be a little more grueling and one I may regret a bit more. After talking with one of my professors, I am going to pursue a thesis project next year. I will be shooting for a project that would be roughly 40000 words, something I would have to devote the entire year to. I don't have many details on what I would be writing on and I'm not sure if I can work with the professor I'd like to yet. It would be an independent study that I would do as a part of my normal class schedule and hopefully something I could submit for publication or at least continue toward after I finish the class requirements. Since this is something I'd have to get acquainted to and comfortable with if I were to pursue a Ph.D. and it would help to improve my writing and thinking skills, this is something I want to pursue. As I said, I'm not yet sure if I can go forward with this project yet because the professor I want to work with will be a staff (not faculty) member next year. I'm currently talking to the dean of academic affairs to see if it's possible and what steps I need to take to move forward.

I feel comfortable with these decisions. How I'm going to balance everything is still a question I have yet to answer, but since I will be working considerably less hours working at the church next year and taking 2 less classes next year, I think I will be able to manage everything with diligent time management (<-- key factor). Prayer is always appreciated. I'll keep everyone updated and what's happening next.