The last couple weeks have been an interesting up and down journey. The snow had quite a bit to do with that, which surprisingly ended up being more stressful than restful. All of my classes on Thursday were canceled along with my usual commitment to the children's ministry program at Allentown Pres. It did give me a good opportunity to spend time with Caleb and Rachel, who I hadn't been able to spend much time with due to my workload. Always nice to get off of campus to spend time with friends (especially when they cook good food for you ;-) )
This semester has actually been much more difficult than I was anticipating, and it doesn't necessarily have to do with the work that is expected of me. My class load is actually the smallest I've had since I've been in seminary, and overall the demands being put on me are not that great. The psychological aspect is what is killing me. Being on the homestretch has been a pretty big obstacle to overcome ("senioritis" for those who prefer that term). I'm struggling to finish strong, something I wasn't expecting to be a challenge. I typically end well in most things I do, but when the reward for finishing is physically more distant than before, it affects my motivation. Certainly I'll leave with a degree from a prestigious school, and I want to be able to say that I left on a high note rather than sour note. But I also want to be home. The pain of the distance away from my family, friends, and church has been more palpable precisely because it's so close now. In just over three months, I'll be on a train making my way back across the country where I'm hoping I can settle for the foreseeable future. I'm chomping at the bit to start working, to be involved in ministry, hopefully teaching as well. So I feel something akin to a caged animal, ready to burst through its bars an unleashed. And the feeling of being constrained is pulling me away from focusing on my work.
Yet I don't want to get sucked into an attitude I've seen so many others succumb to, an attitude that chooses to forsake the present in pursuit of the future. I don't want these last three months at Princeton to pass me by, leaving me sorrowful that I didn't take advantage of everything possible while I was here. I am surrounded by so many intelligent people that I want to be able to soak everything in as much as possible before leaving.
So I'm left with this tension between longing for the future and desire to be fully present in the moment. And it's that pulling that I think is causing the most pain. It's the pain that knowing when I forsake the present for the future I'm hurting myself and making myself less useful to the people who want me to do well out here (both in school and at the churches where I serve), and when I focus too strongly on the present, I risk shutting out the relationships I long for back home.
Despite the tension, I am striving to press onward. I have had to rely constantly on the power of prayer over the last three weeks. And I've felt those prayers very powerfully over these last weeks. I've been sustained by the support of friends and loved ones, and all of this through the power of the Spirit. And having that support has made it much easier to bear getting through this last semester.
Cathy has been especially wonderful in helping me, and I am so thankful for her support and love. I'm really thankful to have a girlfriend who knows me so well and can speak the right encouraging words that I need to hear. I was particularly happy when I received my Valentine's Day present from her, which I think captures how well she knows me. I was very happy when I opened my mailbox to find a copy of "The Familiar Letters of John and Abigail Adams." =) The perfect gift for Valentine's Day for a history geek like me. Even though the distance has been a bit harder because we're apart, in a strange way it's actually made it easier to get through the tension of this semester because I know she's supporting me just as I'm trying to support her.
More to come as the semester continues on. I'll be back in CA from March 7 - 14, and I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends when I'm back. After that, it's two more months of school until I can finally say that I have made it and reached the culmination. Until then, I continue to trudge through the tension, knowing that it will be worth it in the end.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A New Semester, The Beginning of the End
It's officially the beginning of the end, at least for this part of my school career anyway. I have 15 more credits to work through before I finish out my M.Div. and fly back to CA to begin my post-Masters life. It's not as scary as I was anticipating, though there is still that fear of uncertainty, walking into the unknown. Thankfully I have three more months before I really have to take that leap of faith, and hopefully things will work out so I will have a clear idea of where I'm headed and what my job will look like.
As is my custom (unintentionally), my last semester ended up being one of my most intense. I'm not really sure why it ends up that way. I'm taking seven classes, though three of them are only one unit, leaving four that are full 3-credit classes. Two of them are language translation classes, one in Greek and the other in Hebrew. I am taking a couple of the classes pass-fail, which will make the work load a little more bearable so that I can experiment and try some new things I wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. So I'm in for a bit of a crazy semester, but I'm excited about all of my classes. There aren't any of them that I'm particularly dreading or nervous about. It should work out to be a pretty great semester to end out my time at Princeton.
Michael Bruner told me when I left for Princeton in 2007 that my time would go by quickly and that I would walk away from Princeton wishing there was more that I had taken advantage of. When I met with him again over Christmas break, we both sat in wonder and shock at how quickly that time had gone by. It has been an intense, trying, surprising, uplifting, and encouraging three years. So many things about Princeton fell short of my expectations yet so many met them and even exceeded them. It has been very easy to knock on Princeton during my time here (often for different reasons than others might expect) but when it is all said and done, I have come away from this place with a pretty stellar education. I can't say that lightly or flippantly either. There were many points when I wished I had gone to Fuller instead, that I should transfer, even just putting my M.Div on the shelf and pursuing something else. But the perseverance and struggling and wrestling has paid off in ways that I can't really describe. I hope when I have had time to debrief from my time here that I will be able to put my experience into words more clearly. I'm not sure I would want to go through this particular experience again, but I'm grateful that I went through it and came out standing on the other side.
Of course, this talk is all premature. I still have three tough months ahead of me, probably the three toughest months of my entire educational career. I still have a research paper to finish, two books to translate and exegete, 11 films to watch and critique theologically, an entire genre of Biblical literature (Israelite wisdom) that I have to try to comprehend, and a workshop on worship leading to complete. And in case you want to know what classes those correspond to, here is my class schedule for this semester:
Greek Exegesis of Ephesians
Hebrew Exegesis of Samuel
Israel's Wisdom Literature
Faith, Film, and Spiritual Formation in Young Adults
Word and Act: Service in the Lord's Day
Field Education: Teaching Ministry
I am also attending a forum on youth ministry in April (through Princeton's Institute for Youth Ministry), and while that's a class, it's not until April and after I have completed the work for my other classes.
So there is plenty to do and much left to learn (that process never ends) but I'm excited to begin thinking about life after seminary, and all that that entails.
More to come in the coming weeks...
As is my custom (unintentionally), my last semester ended up being one of my most intense. I'm not really sure why it ends up that way. I'm taking seven classes, though three of them are only one unit, leaving four that are full 3-credit classes. Two of them are language translation classes, one in Greek and the other in Hebrew. I am taking a couple of the classes pass-fail, which will make the work load a little more bearable so that I can experiment and try some new things I wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. So I'm in for a bit of a crazy semester, but I'm excited about all of my classes. There aren't any of them that I'm particularly dreading or nervous about. It should work out to be a pretty great semester to end out my time at Princeton.
Michael Bruner told me when I left for Princeton in 2007 that my time would go by quickly and that I would walk away from Princeton wishing there was more that I had taken advantage of. When I met with him again over Christmas break, we both sat in wonder and shock at how quickly that time had gone by. It has been an intense, trying, surprising, uplifting, and encouraging three years. So many things about Princeton fell short of my expectations yet so many met them and even exceeded them. It has been very easy to knock on Princeton during my time here (often for different reasons than others might expect) but when it is all said and done, I have come away from this place with a pretty stellar education. I can't say that lightly or flippantly either. There were many points when I wished I had gone to Fuller instead, that I should transfer, even just putting my M.Div on the shelf and pursuing something else. But the perseverance and struggling and wrestling has paid off in ways that I can't really describe. I hope when I have had time to debrief from my time here that I will be able to put my experience into words more clearly. I'm not sure I would want to go through this particular experience again, but I'm grateful that I went through it and came out standing on the other side.
Of course, this talk is all premature. I still have three tough months ahead of me, probably the three toughest months of my entire educational career. I still have a research paper to finish, two books to translate and exegete, 11 films to watch and critique theologically, an entire genre of Biblical literature (Israelite wisdom) that I have to try to comprehend, and a workshop on worship leading to complete. And in case you want to know what classes those correspond to, here is my class schedule for this semester:
Greek Exegesis of Ephesians
Hebrew Exegesis of Samuel
Israel's Wisdom Literature
Faith, Film, and Spiritual Formation in Young Adults
Word and Act: Service in the Lord's Day
Field Education: Teaching Ministry
I am also attending a forum on youth ministry in April (through Princeton's Institute for Youth Ministry), and while that's a class, it's not until April and after I have completed the work for my other classes.
So there is plenty to do and much left to learn (that process never ends) but I'm excited to begin thinking about life after seminary, and all that that entails.
More to come in the coming weeks...
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