The last couple weeks have been an interesting up and down journey. The snow had quite a bit to do with that, which surprisingly ended up being more stressful than restful. All of my classes on Thursday were canceled along with my usual commitment to the children's ministry program at Allentown Pres. It did give me a good opportunity to spend time with Caleb and Rachel, who I hadn't been able to spend much time with due to my workload. Always nice to get off of campus to spend time with friends (especially when they cook good food for you ;-) )
This semester has actually been much more difficult than I was anticipating, and it doesn't necessarily have to do with the work that is expected of me. My class load is actually the smallest I've had since I've been in seminary, and overall the demands being put on me are not that great. The psychological aspect is what is killing me. Being on the homestretch has been a pretty big obstacle to overcome ("senioritis" for those who prefer that term). I'm struggling to finish strong, something I wasn't expecting to be a challenge. I typically end well in most things I do, but when the reward for finishing is physically more distant than before, it affects my motivation. Certainly I'll leave with a degree from a prestigious school, and I want to be able to say that I left on a high note rather than sour note. But I also want to be home. The pain of the distance away from my family, friends, and church has been more palpable precisely because it's so close now. In just over three months, I'll be on a train making my way back across the country where I'm hoping I can settle for the foreseeable future. I'm chomping at the bit to start working, to be involved in ministry, hopefully teaching as well. So I feel something akin to a caged animal, ready to burst through its bars an unleashed. And the feeling of being constrained is pulling me away from focusing on my work.
Yet I don't want to get sucked into an attitude I've seen so many others succumb to, an attitude that chooses to forsake the present in pursuit of the future. I don't want these last three months at Princeton to pass me by, leaving me sorrowful that I didn't take advantage of everything possible while I was here. I am surrounded by so many intelligent people that I want to be able to soak everything in as much as possible before leaving.
So I'm left with this tension between longing for the future and desire to be fully present in the moment. And it's that pulling that I think is causing the most pain. It's the pain that knowing when I forsake the present for the future I'm hurting myself and making myself less useful to the people who want me to do well out here (both in school and at the churches where I serve), and when I focus too strongly on the present, I risk shutting out the relationships I long for back home.
Despite the tension, I am striving to press onward. I have had to rely constantly on the power of prayer over the last three weeks. And I've felt those prayers very powerfully over these last weeks. I've been sustained by the support of friends and loved ones, and all of this through the power of the Spirit. And having that support has made it much easier to bear getting through this last semester.
Cathy has been especially wonderful in helping me, and I am so thankful for her support and love. I'm really thankful to have a girlfriend who knows me so well and can speak the right encouraging words that I need to hear. I was particularly happy when I received my Valentine's Day present from her, which I think captures how well she knows me. I was very happy when I opened my mailbox to find a copy of "The Familiar Letters of John and Abigail Adams." =) The perfect gift for Valentine's Day for a history geek like me. Even though the distance has been a bit harder because we're apart, in a strange way it's actually made it easier to get through the tension of this semester because I know she's supporting me just as I'm trying to support her.
More to come as the semester continues on. I'll be back in CA from March 7 - 14, and I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends when I'm back. After that, it's two more months of school until I can finally say that I have made it and reached the culmination. Until then, I continue to trudge through the tension, knowing that it will be worth it in the end.
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2 comments:
Yay for Jeff! I'm glad your toughing it out. You're almost done! It will be cool to see you in march, even if for just a bit.
:) Keep making the most of your time at Princeton. You're soo close to the finish line - when Katieface and I were in Huntington for her sister's marathon, we spent the last 45 minutes at the 26 mile spot cheering on the runners for the last 0.2 miles because it's lame to cross the line walking! Finish while looking awesome and running strong! haha :)
I know you can do it, and I hope you take the time to really enjoy not only the actual seminary and the classes, teachings, and relationships there but also to enjoy Princeton the city, and the east coast itself . . . 'cos in a few short months you'll be out of there and home and I'll help remind you why California is better ;)
I'm really glad you've able to find strength in the power of prayer, and that you've been sharing that with me. I don't know how I'd be getting through the struggles of this semester if I didn't have you supporting me and God strengthening us (and providing peace). I'm glad I'm able to support and encourage you back :)
p.s. . . . March 7th is rapidly approaching!!
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