Into the Routine, Discerning the Call

I am starting to feel comfortable with the routine of this semester now. My schedule is a bit odd since I am finished with classes by 10:00 am on Tuesday and have no class on Wednesday, so having that large chunk of time unoccupied has stretched me in terms of keeping on top of work rather than resting and relaxing, a difficult temptation to beat. But as time is moving along quickly I am readjusting my patterns to keep moving ahead.

With less credits this semester I'm also finding more time to stop and reflect on why I'm here and what I am working toward. One of the struggles last semester was losing sight of my purpose for studying here and what I was striving for. Part of it was some of the shock of being back in school and the level of intensity required to stay on top of work and do my work well, but part of it was in worrying about how to balance everything that I was unable to remember why I wanted to come to Seminary and accomplish here. With more time to reflect, I have been able to keep focused, and that has helped immensely in keeping my spirits up and continue to push through difficult classes.

I have been also thinking about where God is directing me in terms of my call and how that fits in with my passions, gifts, and talents. The waters are still very murky and little has happened still to clear them. On the one hand, I can see those traits that would serve well in a pastoral role. I am relational person and thrive in situations where I can develop connections that enable me to counsel, listen, and advise those who I care about. I still believe I have a gift for teaching and motivating change in people's lives. I have also witnessed how I've been used to point people to God, even when I feel distant from God; that was especially the case during the middle years of college. I know that for many I have been a person that people can trust to share concerns and doubts in different aspects of life. And God has put me in positions of leadership and responsibility in the past that have prepared me for future placements in leadership.

At the same time, I know that I also have a strong "intellectual" side; I think about problems analytically and often times I'd rather not come down on one side or another of particular issues because I realize that there is no clear cut answer. I enjoy teaching in a way that stimulates further reflection that may or may not result in change. I tend to have a critical side that would rather point out weaknesses rather than strengths so that those weaknesses can be strengthened. I think perhaps most "problematic" is that I'm very willing to ask difficult questions that aren't necessarily welcome. And in my experience so far, those who want to ask difficult questions and not always wanting to come down on solid answers aren't always most appreciated in church settings (except for some, but those tend to be churches that fall on a far more "liberal" stance than I'm comfortable with). Moreover I'm also afraid to a certain extent of being put in a position of nurturing personal growth when my approach is to introduce ideas rather than suggest a particular line of thinking. And I wonder whether I would be better fit in an environment where my goal is to introduce ideas rather than push someone to make a particular decision.

I realize that I'm still early in this process of reflection. The differences between teaching academically and pastorally are not that clearly defined. There's a lot of overlap, and there are also aspects of both that I simply don't know about yet. At this point, when it comes to it, I really have no clear direction to go on either path. With academic teaching, though I would enjoy classes and developing academic relationships with students, I'm not sure I want to be involved in the academic community (being at Princeton has shown me some of the ugly side of the academic world). With pastoral teaching, the major obstacle is that I lack a clear sense of call. My fear is that it's my decision to be a pastor, not God's leading me to that position, and if the Bible has taught me anything, it's those that who desire to be in positions of leadership are often the ones who fail while those who become leaders reluctantly, sometimes even against their desire, are most effective because they have been called. I can't help but feel right now that my desire to be a leader is what is driving me toward the pastorate, not the sense that God has called me to lead in His community.

The wrestling continues. I trust that a way will eventually be cleared in one direction or another. Probably not in the timing I want, but things never go as quickly as I'd like them to, which is better anyway. For now, it's time to hit the books again.